If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
You Might Also Like
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
twitter is a journey
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
is this meant to deter me
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.