Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
You Might Also Like
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
and now we wait
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek