2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Put this video in the Louvre
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math