The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?