I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge