If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’