Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
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The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh