My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”