Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
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Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I am crying
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit