A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
a fate I wish upon no one
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”