Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up