When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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