Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.