me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
prepare for carbonated trouble
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”