Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
You Might Also Like
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
You got this…
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally