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[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director