Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.