The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
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Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.