Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings