Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
yeah no that’s fair
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
lmfao come on
My warrants are pretty outstanding.