My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
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Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.