inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate