Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
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John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.