Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I’m sorry…what?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left