I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
There’s never enough good news
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?