There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?