You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why