Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Banderslack Clamberdorch
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Autocarrot sucks!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?