I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
You Might Also Like
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
accurate
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Tremendous stuff
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”