Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My dad.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious