I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
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[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.