*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.