Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
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There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.