Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
peep davidson
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.