Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
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A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused