Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.