Give a baker flours on your first date.
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.