If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I think about this a lot
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Choose your fighter
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.