i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.