I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
twitter is a journey
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!