My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
me
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.