You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
You learn something every day
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”