Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
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When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
WHY would you be happy about this?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.