Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you