Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Get in loser we’re going crying
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?