90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
You Might Also Like
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
broke down and did it
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*