Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
You Might Also Like
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me irl
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…