Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?