I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Can’t, holding a grudge
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Worth remembering.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.