me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You Might Also Like
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same